Wickedjr89's Book Blog: April 2019

Edit on Nov 11th, 2019: I realize now it IS technically a learning disability and has affected my life as such. I just didn't think it was a disability because I have physical disabilities and chronic pain that prevent me from doing things at all, as in the stuff isn't difficult for me it's literally impossible and I do suffer from chronic pain. Aphantasia, while making some stuff (like reading comprehension) difficult hasn't STOPPED me from doing things or made me suffer like chronic pain has and does (though I did think I was dumb as a child which I can see now is a result of it and it not being known at the time). So to me aphantasia just isn't a big deal but that doesn't mean it doesn't affect my life or that it isn't a disability because it does and it is, it's just not what affects my life the most and in some ways I do still like aphantasia and see pros and cons to it. I don't want to amend what I said earlier because it is part of my journey of learning about aphantasia and what it means for me. What is down below was what I initially wrote and while my feelings about it being a disability has changed the rest of it is still relevant. I should have looked up what learning disability actually means earlier.

Disclaimer: Here I will be talking about MY OWN experiences and feelings towards Aphantasia. Aphantasia is a spectrum and people have different lives and experiences. My truth doesn't have to be yours. If your truth is very different than my own, please understand I can only speak from my own experiences and feelings with it.

Aphantasia means my minds eye, is blind. I can't see images in my head when i'm imagining, remembering, reading a fiction book etc. I do dream, vividly. But when i'm awake. I got nothing. None of the senses in my head. I have complete Aphantasia with all the senses when i'm awake. I don't hear music in my head (though I can get songs stuck in my head, or so I thought, more on that in a bit). I don't hear things in people's voices in my head. I can't picture a mermaid, or even an apple, visually in my head, though I know what they are and can think about them. I can't imagine the taste of something, though if I've had it I do remember if I liked it or not. I can't imagine the smell of waffles or fresh cut grass, though I know both smell good, or how something feels. Until last year (i'm 30 now)...I didn't know anyone could.

And upon finding out about Aphantasia for awhile I thought I, and others, were over-thinking it, because I always thought when people talked about visualizing stuff like that, it was only a metaphor, not literal. Certainly it wasn't possible? Reading a book and seeing it like a movie in your head? Actually seeing your daydreams? Imagining people's voices and hearing them? Impossible! Just metaphors used to help describe things. Didn't sound real to me. Eventually I had to come to the conclusion that, no, people were being literal, Aphantasia is real, and I got it.

This is where it's going to get rambling and disjointed i'm sure. Because I don't know how else to do this.

In school I did have trouble with reading comprehension and I didn't know why. Looking back, I do blame Aphantasia for it. I was reading fast, because I thought that was reading. Just reading the words. Why the hell couldn't I remember them afterwards? I didn't know. I just thought I was stupid. I did end up enjoying Goosebumps books when I was a kid, because i've always loved horror and Goosebumps books were fun. Even if I couldn't remember them later. But in school, it was frustrating. Because you got tested on it and it made it seem like I didn't even read the stuff, but I had. I knew I had but I didn't know why I couldn't remember the stuff later.

I wanted to read. And I would out of boredom. But a combination of that and being told I wasn't allowed to read the stuff I actually wanted to give a shot (like Harry Potter, because Harry Potter is Satan apparently but that's another discussion, also, i'm a Hufflepuff ^_^), I gave up. I graduated high school and basically didn't read for years. But I really really wanted to read Harry Potter but for years I thought I was "too old" and that I missed my chance. Eventually, at 26 years old, I said to hell with that. I read Harry Potter, and I loved it. And then I found booktube, which I am a part of now and love!

The tricks I found to help me with reading? Slow. the. fuck. down. Rereading sentences is ok. Be a slow reader, there is nothing wrong with that. By reading as fast as I could I couldn't take anything in and make it stick. It sounds so simple now, just slow down. But no one told me that in school and I didn't think of it.

Even now, I read for characters. I feel emotions strongly. I cry so easily at books. I am very character-driven. I don't need a plot (though I can enjoy one but overly complicated plot-lines lose me) and I don't care for long descriptions of places (some authors can make it work in a way that works for me, not really sure how, but others I just end up so bored) and no, i'm not going to remember the color of things in the book. What color dress was the girl wearing? I don't know and I don't care. Unless i'm badgered over the head with it i'm not going to remember colors. But i'll remember character personalities and how I felt about them. Basic summaries if I slow down and let myself think. Themes. Anything but descriptions really. I think it's why I still have yet to find a high fantasy that works for me, and I might never. But apart from high fantasy my tastes are broad. Horror, contemporary, thriller, nonfiction, fantasy (just not high fantasy), paranormal, romance etc. I do think I had to figure out how to use spatial awareness, which I talk about later, in my head as well to help me personally. But that spatial awareness I have isn't that deep.

In the past few years i've read more books than I ever thought I would! I make booktube videos, write reviews, am on Goodreads, am a certified book lover! Aphantasia never had to stop me from reading and loving reading. Aphantasia just wasn't known about and being a mental thing it's, sad, but makes sense, why it took so long to figure out it's a thing. So many of us with Aphantasia (not everyone!) had no idea that we were thinking differently. We just chalked it up to metaphors. I did. I don't think thinking differently here is bad, but it does need awareness. If I had been aware as a kid, I might have figured stuff out sooner. But then again, i'm not sure. I might also have thought "well wonderful, guess there is no point in trying, my stupidity just has a name now" and given up. Thinking back on kid me, I can totally see myself having done that. So actually, in a way, i'm glad I didn't know. But if there was awareness of it as well as awareness that thinking differently isn't bad and you can still do it (in this sense, reading), then I think it'd be a good thing. Because obviously a kid feeling stupid, isn't good. No kid should feel that way.

I've always imagined a lot. I mean, not visually, but I didn't know people generally thought of imagining and daydreaming as visual, so I did it anyway. I would just...think of things. Think of scenarios. Get lost in thoughts of "what if I was abled, what would I do?" (because i'm physically disabled and was born as such, not that thinking that way is good but it's a thing i'd daydream of often and i'm not going to lie) or "what if I was a mermaid? or a vampire?" etc. and get lost in my own thoughts. I didn't know other people's daydreams actually had visuals. I can still imagine and daydream though. I can think.

I do think I have some spatial awareness but that is so hard to describe. While i'm reading I can think of things in different places, kind of like an opaque curtain is between me and what i'm thinking of. I can't see the stuff but I know it's there. I'm not sure how much sense that makes or how well it describes it, but it's the best i've got right now. I can think of when I was a kid and me and my cousin were running around our grandparent's yard and think of actually running around. I don't think I have the best spatial awareness but I think I have some and that it helps me.

I have memories. Though i'm sure they are fading as I get older but doesn't everyone's to some degree? That said I still have memories of my childhood. Actual events. Feelings. My God the feelings! Feelings I remember the most strong of all. I may not remember what someone looked like but I WILL remember how they made me feel! And I will feel it just as strongly as I did decades ago. I think a mix of Aphantasia, being an INFP and growing up the way I did, being disabled, in chronic pain and other things I don't want to get into here, made me very emotional, sensitive and have strong feelings and a strong sense of them. So I don't think Aphantasia is completely to blame there is what i'm saying but I do think it might be a part of it. If I don't have visuals, why wouldn't I compensate with feelings? I've heard others with Aphantasia mention it too.

I've often been confused growing up as to why other people seemed so cruel, so emotionless, lacking empathy, sympathy. I don't think that's (usually) the case anymore, that it was just a factor of me feeling the stuff more strongly, not a factor of them not feeling it, if that makes sense.

A lot of the way I remember things I think of as a filing cabinet. Facts of things, filed away. But with memories it's a mix of spatial awareness, facts, and feelings. I understand it's hard to explain and understand. But I also think that's ok. We all might think differently, and that difference in the world is needed. It takes all kinds to make the world.

Faces and loved ones is often discussed. No, I can't picture a loved one. But I can name people I love. My husband, my mom, my friends, my grandparents etc. I know I love them. Until I learned about Aphantasia I didn't know others could picture their loved ones. As I was in a house fire in 2012 I lost everything, so many pictures. It sucks. And yes, I have ptsd (I already had ptsd for other reasons too, more on that in a second). I do know facts of how some people look. I know my husband has brown hair, is about 5'11 (I think), brown eyes (what shade of brown? I actually don't know that). I can't picture him and that's about all I can tell ya. But I know him when I see him. I don't have any trouble remembering people when I see them (unless I haven't seen them since I was 5 of course). Some people do have face blindness but that's another problem, and one I don't have myself so I can't speak on that.

The PTSD. Flashbacks (without the visuals I didn't used to know others had-a reason I think Aphantasia is a blessing in my case. All the trauma that i've had in my life, that does affect me, I think would be even worse to the point i'm not sure I could handle it without Aphantasia). But the spatial awareness and feelings are there. Strongly. Nightmares (where I DO have visuals! And don't know it's a nightmare until I wake up), anxiety (in the fire case always worried about fire hazards, which is good but...too much anxiety), panic attacks. Aphantasia hasn't stopped me from having PTSD but I do think it's helped make it not as bad as it could be.

Looking back at what i've written so far I forgot about the music stuck in my head. I never remember a lot of a song, but the chorus? Maybe a line here and there? I'll remember that. Even a beat (though I don't hear it, so how does that work, I don't know and I don't know how to explain it). And even though I hear nothing, I can still get the thought of it stuck in my head, repeating the chorus or a line or two over and over with the beat, even without sound which as I know now, is weird.

Aphantasia as a disability is a topic...please refer back to the disclaimer here. These are just MY thoughts and experiences with it. If you have Aphantasia too and feel the exact opposite? That's ok. I'm not here to argue or to say you can't feel the way you feel. Just don't tell me I can't feel the way I feel. Maybe we can try to understand each other, or at least agree to disagree and understand we have different experiences with it.

I have VACteRL Association, some miscellaneous medical issues, constant pain, and to top it off anxiety, depression, and PTSD. I was born disabled and with chronic pain, that keeps getting worse and now it's been 30 years of getting worse and adding problems. I suffer...24/7, because of my chronic pain and physical disabilities. And I don't know anything else. I can't do stuff I need to do to live without help, I could never live on my own for that reason. Stuff that others take for granted. My body won't even do some things on it's own that it needs to stay alive without medication. Surgeries, i've had many and need more. I don't know what even a minute without pain is like. I'm not trying to sound tragic or complain, but it is my reality. I have reasons to be positive. I have hobbies I love, friends I love, furbabies that I love that love me. It's not all bad in my life and i'm aware of what privileges I do have. But being pain free and abled? That isn't a part of those.

I don't think Aphantasia is a disability. I don't suffer from it. Can it be frustrating? Yes. Make stuff harder? Yes, but I found a way (and if Aphantasia had more awareness long ago it wouldn't have been so hard). With the frustrations has also come the blessings (the ptsd). I just see it as another way to think, to be. And we need differences in the world. It's not healthy if we are all exactly the same. Aphantasia doesn't cause me pain or fatigue. It doesn't stop me from doing anything. It doesn't keep me homebound. It doesn't make me need a surgery. Yes mental disabilities exist, I just don't see Aphantasia as one. I just see it, for myself, as a difference. Like the fact I have 9 fingers instead of 10. My 9 fingers doesn't stop me, cause me pain or anything like that. That isn't one of my disabilities, it's just a difference, like Aphantasia is to me. And I hate that I feel this way, but because of all I just said...I do get insulted when people think Aphantasia is a disability. It seems ridiculous to me. If you have Aphantasia though, by all means, feel the way you feel about it. If you don't have Aphantasia though, don't tell me it's another disability of mine. I'm proud to be disabled, because I have to be and it's my life. I was born disabled and will die disabled and I am just as worthy as the next person. But my Aphantasia isn't a disability for me.

At most it's been an inconvenience, that didn't need to be one and I've figured out how to work with it, love it, and I even keep finding positives to it. The fact I feel so strongly (can be a good!), that I care so strongly, that I often understand emotions very well. That I don't get bogged down with details (like when reading a book) but i'll remember important things from it. That the PTSD I have could be worse. A difference isn't a bad thing here. Both having Aphantasia and not having it, from what I see, have pros and cons.

I also like to draw. I am a beginner and have been my entire life because I always was so easily discouraged, which I don't think has anything to do with Aphantasia. I do need references but again, until I learned about Aphantasia I thought EVERYONE needed references to draw. I know differently now but, so what. I can think about what I want to draw. Find references to help me, and do it. Though i'm not looking to be professional (and there ARE professional artists with Aphantsia) and just do it as a fun hobby.

Some things in "Aphantasia: Experiences, Perceptions, and Insights" by Alan Kendle that I annotated back when I read it that really resonated with me. The book used the experiences of 30 people with Aphantasia.

"I can imagine and mentally recall things, but rather than a picture or video imagery in my mind, it is the essence of an image. It is the abstract nature or character of the thing I recall. No feelings or emotions are associated with this recall. I have struggled to understand this, let alone explain it." Though I DO have feelings and emotions attached to the things I recall and imagine. I don't have visuals, obviously, but I do have feelings attached. How to explain this? I have no idea.

"I never thought that some people actually saw things, heard things, smelled things, tasted things, etc. in their minds. I have almost no conscious mental sensory experience at all, but I have quite an active and detailed inner world despite that fact. So, I always thought I was like everyone else."

"No, I don't "suffer" from Aphantasia. My brain works differently."

"No - I think it's just a variation of the human condition. I feel there are upsides and downsides to whatever brain configuration you have, and i'm sure there are lots of other variations we don't notice. I would describe myself as 'having Aphantasia' or as someone 'with Aphantasia', or maybe an 'Aphant' colloquially."

"I do love the word neurodivergent! It sounds so sci-fi, but really is just a practical way to label these quirks that aren't a bad thing."

"Just another variety of being human."

"I saw that I have a condition or a syndrome. To me, suffering implies physical and/or emotional pain. And i'm not suffering in any way. Struggling at times, but not suffering."

(Me here: I do suffer from chronic pain. My medical issues that cause me pain. PTSD, Depression. Those things cause me to suffer. My Aphantasia does not.)

Asking Aphants to visualize something, like their house..

"I can't really describe what happens. I can describe my home to you. I can tell you the style, the materials, the colors. I can describe the layout, but I can't "see" any of this in my mind. While I am not particularly good at drawing, I often draw things to help explain visual things to others."

(Me: Yes I can describe to you my house. I know what color it is, as a fact I guess since I can't "see" it, I can tell you the layout, the number of windows etc. I don't "see" it though and I don't know how to explain it. The best I have is what I describe as spatial awareness).

"I can kinda visualize 3D space though. I can place the 'idea' of the objects i'm visualizing in different mental locations and imagine them moving, running, jumping and so on.

It's like a pitch black theatre where I know the play well enough to somewhat know what each person is doing at each moment. I just can't see them."

(That quote describes what I mean by spatial awareness)

"When I think of my house, I think of myself in relation to its space. I know how the rooms are arranged, and what it feels like to be in any of them or move between them. I know the items that are in each room, and where they are in the room. It is a combination of spatial awareness and facts." (My spatial awareness and filing system for facts. It works well for me and until I learned about Aphantasia I didn't realize I was thinking different from the norm)

"No mental pictures, sounds, etc. are necessary."

Trying to describe Aphantasia..

"The best way I saw it described was as a computer without a monitor. All the information is there and readily accessible but just in a different, non-visual form."

"I have never really been able to explain it very well. I know some people try and explain it like the monitor not being connected to the computer, that the information is all there and able to be accessed, it just can't be displayed. However, although this is a reasonable analogy to make, it feels like it is lacking something to my experience. I guess it makes it seem like a problem that could be simply 'fixed' by finding a way to connect the computer to the monitor. I don't see it as a problem to be fixed. I am happy just using the computer without a screen."

"Looking back, it was always odd to me when people would say - when watching a movie after reading a book - that the character wasn't how they "pictured" them. I never had a problem with that." (Same here!)

Geography seems to be a thing other Aphants struggle with, and I did too. Now it makes sense knowing what I know now.

About imagination and imagining..

"I think I have a great imagination and I don't think Aphantasia affects it. before I knew I had Aphantasia, it didn't even occur to me that imagination could be visual process. I just thought of concepts in a more abstract sense, and mentally added other elements or concepts to it as my imagination allowed. No images necessary.

They are non-visual. ideas and concepts instead of images."

(Me: Ideas, concepts, thinking about. No images (or any other sense) necessary. Words (i'd often think about imaginary conversations, being shy often trying to hype myself up to actually speak). I can easily get lost in my thoughts and zone out. Before I knew I had Aphantasia it didn't occur to me either that imagination could be a visual process. I thought I was doing it like everyone else.)

"Thus I am not fond of Aphantasia being described as lacking imagination, or even a "mind's eye" - it is a lack of senstory visualization."

There is a section on visual imagery. TV, Film, Art. I love those things! I can get so lost in a movie or TV show and incredibly immersed. I love looking at art.

Dreams...my dreams are vivid. Color, sound, taste, touch, all of it. Just as vivid as real life. Usually I dream as myself though I have had a couple 3rd person dreams where I was watching myself. I usually don't realize i'm dreaming but have a few times though every time I do I still can't change anything and am just along for the ride until I wake up. I don't remember much of my dreams when i'm awake but may remember a little once in awhile and can talk about what I do remember even though i'm no longer seeing it. Also I don't think i've ever seen anything in a dream that I haven't seen in reality. My mind can't make up shit i've never seen.

I think Aphantasia is why "just count sheep" to try and fall asleep always frustrated me and made it HARDER to get to sleep. I always wondered about that. Trying to think about sheep jumping over a fence and counting them...how the hell is that supposed to make me sleep? That takes concentration and makes it impossible. It always confused me that people would say that...what the hell was I doing wrong? Now I know. I wasn't doing anything wrong I just think differently, in a way counting sheep will not let me sleep.

It does suck that trauma is what I most easily remember but I also think i'd be overwhelmed if I had a vivid visual imagination. Pros and cons. Different. And that's ok. I like my Aphantasia.

Feel free to talk or ask questions. :) Sorry it's long, rambly, and disjointed.

Wickedjr89's Book Blog

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Sunday, April 28, 2019

Aphantasia: My experiences with it

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