Synopsis:
From Stonewall and Lambda Award-winning author Kacen Callender comes a revelatory YA novel about a transgender teen grappling with identity and self-discovery while falling in love for the first time.
Felix Love has never been in love—and, yes, he’s painfully aware of the irony. He desperately wants to know what it’s like and why it seems so easy for everyone but him to find someone. What’s worse is that, even though he is proud of his identity, Felix also secretly fears that he’s one marginalization too many—Black, queer, and transgender—to ever get his own happily-ever-after.
When an anonymous student begins sending him transphobic messages—after publicly posting Felix’s deadname alongside images of him before he transitioned—Felix comes up with a plan for revenge. What he didn’t count on: his catfish scenario landing him in a quasi–love triangle....
But as he navigates his complicated feelings, Felix begins a journey of questioning and self-discovery that helps redefine his most important relationship: how he feels about himself.
Felix Ever After is an honest and layered story about identity, falling in love, and recognizing the love you deserve.
In A Nutshell: A chaotic bisexual black transgender (Demiboy) teenager learning about himself and life. Real.
Published: May 5th, 2020
Format: Physical
Number of Pages: 360
Finished: May 2020
Rating: 5⭐
Diversity: Black bisexual demiboy trans MC, M/M romance, queer side characters, poc side characters
My Thoughts
I don't even know where to begin! And to begin i'm going to need to talk about myself a lot. I am bisexual and have known that since I was 13 (am now 31). I struggled with my gender my entire life but growing up, I didn't have the words like non-binary and I also thought being LGBTQ+ in any way was a sin, so upon realizing I was bi it took me years and a lot of tears to come to terms with that and be ok with it. I knew of transgender people or I should say trans women. There was never any talk of trans men and non-binary didn't exist in my vocabulary. I'm afab (assigned female at birth) and girl, never felt right. But I had to assume I just didn't know how to "girl" properly, like it's a damn verb or something.
Because of my pain and confusion I looked down on many girls, that whole "i'm not like other girls" thing. Doing it out of pain does NOT make it ok. There is nothing wrong with girls, girls are awesome, women are awesome, and come in many varieties. I'm just not one. Though i'm also physically disabled and a medical nightmare. I'd love to have top surgery one day but who knows when or if that'll ever happen. I'm not sure I can go on T because of certain medical reasons, though i'm not entirely sure i'd want to but maybe it's just too painful to look into something I may not be able to do. That's to say, while I do have really short hair (FINALLY!), I still LOOK like a cis woman. I'm not one, but I look like one to many people and there-for get treated like one. Life is complicated.
I hated my boobs, and hips...since they appeared. I thought i'd grow out of it. I never did. I don't just hate the fact that they are big, I hate the fact I have them at all. Hell in school I was so confused as to why girls were jealous of my big boobs when I was so jealous of their small ones. I couldn't understand why anyone even liked having boobs at all. Now i'm like, oh that was you dysphoria. They don't feel like they belong to me. I thought of trying to find some ways to bind growing up but I didn't know how and didn't think it was possible with how big mine are (and could've damaged myself trying. If you are going to bind PLEASE look up how to do it safely!) Now I don't want to hurt myself as I already live in chronic pain from various medical issues and binding improperly can actually make any chance of top surgery go out the window. So, my boobs are here. Hopefully not forever, but if they are...well i'm still here aren't I?
I didn't know the word dysphoria growing up either. Now I know and can see that I have, and always have had, dysphoria. I wanted to be a boy so badly growing up. I didn't know I could be one. Especially when full on boy didn't quite seem right all the time either. But girl or boy, those are the only options, right? That's what I thought. In my mid 20s I heard the term non-binary but was terrified to look into it. I was too old, it was too little too late and I couldn't shake up my life now. Not when I need help just to live because of my physical disabilities. I couldn't risk it.
At 30 it came to a mental breakdown, and I had to realize I am non-binary. Eventually finding the term demiboy. I know who I am and I FINALLY have the words to say it. Words to explain how i've ALWAYS felt even when I didn't have the words. I don't look how i'd like, and I might never, but i've lived this long and through so much shit that I refuse to let that stop me from being who I am anymore. I've been suicidal for about 20 years. It's not easy and some days are harder than others, but damn it if i'm going to hide who I am. I can't do that anymore. That's where I draw the line. You don't have to understand, I just ask you to respect me as who I am. At least my name, Tyler, and my pronouns (They/He).
So...back to the book. Felix feels like he is one marginalization too many as black queer and trans, and I can relate. I am not black but I am disabled. Obviously those are entirely different (though not mutually exclusive of course) but that is the same amount of marginalization's (i'm aslo queer and trans-even if I don't "look" like it, though spoiler alert, queer and trans don't have a look) and i've felt that "too much" a lot. I'm also fat now and am mentally ill and neurodiverse in more ways than one. I'm not trying to make it a competition i'm just explaining how I get that "too much" feeling.
Felix feels so real. He makes mistakes, he isn't perfect, he struggles with his identity. We get to see him fuck up, like people do. He felt like a real person and a real teenager, which is a good thing! He's going through life and trying to figure so much out and having been so hurt by things. He thinks that he isn't worthy of love (at least in part because of parental abandonment), and even pushes people away because of it, but eventually learns that he IS worthy of love and respect.
I also loved the friendships in here, and the romance. The writing, the story, all of it. And I related a lot to it. At times it did hurt because I thought "I wish I had that when I was younger" or "I wish I had that privilege" but that isn't a knock on the book. Different people have different privileges and hard ships and I know I have privilege's that others don't too. I'm SO GLAD this book exists now.
This book tackles so many things and does it wonderfully. It's real, honest, raw. I don't know what else to say. I just want to shout about it and how much I loved it!
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